For you have been my hope, Oh Sovereign Lord...

... my confidence since my youth. -Psalm 71:5

It's really easy when you're teaching to attribute other people's successes and failures to your own self-worth. At least it's easy for me. When students don't do well, it's because I'm probably not cut out for this after all. When they do a great job, it's because I'm the best thing since the hula hoop.

I've been on a roller coaster with this lately! My students are struggling in math. I've always had a hard time with math, but that's also why I've been working super hard in teaching it. Try as I might, though, I can't always explain things perfectly or present information in the most sensible ways. I can definitely see my own struggles reflected in their work.

Well, boy oh boy have I been throwing myself an inner LilyBashing party. And I've had all the thoughts I shouldn't have:

-Ugh, Lil, you're never gonna be good at this.
-Way to go! You've just caused 21 bright young minds to hate math the way you always did!
-Welp. May as well not put in so much effort because it's not like it's gonna work anyway.


Of course I typically talk myself out of many of the logical thoughts, like:

-It's okay. You've never taught 3rd grade before or used this curriculum.
-The kids actually are getting it; it's just taking a little longer than usual.
-The longer you do this, the better you get. Think how good you'll be in a couple years!

Or even the true thought:

-You know, you're actually not half-bad. Look at how well that one student is catching on these days... You're definitely connecting with some of these guys! 

And in the heat of the moment, who likes to be "humbled"?? Who wants to "learn" from their mistakes and "reflect" so they can "improve?" Ew. 

It's been a struggle. But God is teaching me how much to rely on Him for even the smallest things! I mean, why in the world should the Lord of the universe care where my heart is when I try to teach a bunch of 8 year olds how to order fractions?? But I believe He does.

Equipped with what I know to be true because of what I've read in His Word, I am constantly learning how to take a deep breath and tell myself, "God, you are my confidence. I'm never without you. You completely give me everything I need to do what it is you want me to do."

And it is getting better! Today it went so well... And I thank the Lord for putting me through this time. I'm learning how to just do what I can to serve, rather than being so concerned with my own feelings all the time.

I know where my confidence lies, and every day I'm being taught how to live that knowledge.

Shoot, if I had to rely on my own math abilities to get me through the days, I'd have given up on life in 4th grade.

Relying on our perfect God... now that works!





In other news, I'm still absolutely loving it. My kids crack me up... There's never a dull moment. I start solo-teaching on Friday and that continues through April 12th.

We're going to have FUN :)

My Brain is Like Oobleck

Ahhhh. This has been one of those long weeks. Don't get me wrong, I'm still absolutely loving what I'm doing. But this was just one of those weeks when Monday truly seems like at least a decade ago. I'm trying to remember what we did Monday, and I have NO clue. None atall.

Hence the title of the post. If you haven't read Dr. Seuss's Bartholomew and the Oobleck, you need to. It's about a king who wants a new form of precipitation and his magicians end up conjuring up this horrible gooey mess that falls from the sky in such abundance that everyone and everything gets stuck in it.

My brain has degenerated into Oobleck for now. I think it needs some barbeque and junky television to perk it back up. So when I'm done here, I'm going to cook out with Jillian's family. Yay!!

Next week, I have to have a 2 week long, highly detailed plan for solo teaching completed. This thing is going to be a least 30 pages long! I also have to have a pretty in-depth unit on Matter completed. These assingments are actually useful. It's going to really help me out to have all of this stuff pre-planned. It's just a ton to do for now. God is showing me how to take it day by day and do the work I can do without stressing myself for no reason.

I have discovered that I am a workaholic! Last week was our week off, and it drove me crazy because I didn't feel like I had enough to do. So, I was getting everything I could possibly get done ahead of time and even creating more work for myself in the process. I guess it kind of just felt like I was maintaining control of everything and being on top of my stuff.

So, in the middle of this week of relaxation, I was reading some Psalms. One night, as I was reading, the half of my brain that was totally disengaged was conjuring up tasks for me to do. I was subconsiously making lists of things I could be doing whilst reading Bible. Not one of my better moments.

Then, in the perfect timing that only a perfect God can coordinate, I came across this little jewel:

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-- for he grants sleep to those he loves. -- Psalm 127: 1-2

Wowzer!!!!

It was like God pulled up a chair in front of me and said, "Uh, hey Lil. I'm glad you're all zealous and stuff, but put the work you're doing in perspective for a second. Do my work... I've got enough for you. Just spend some time resting in my grace."

I. Love. It.

And this week I've needed that so many times!! There's just so much to do that I can easily put student teaching ahead of spending time with the good old J.C.

I have so much more to say about this topic and other things, but it's time for me to go get my grub on! Woohoo!!