For you have been my hope, Oh Sovereign Lord...

... my confidence since my youth. -Psalm 71:5

It's really easy when you're teaching to attribute other people's successes and failures to your own self-worth. At least it's easy for me. When students don't do well, it's because I'm probably not cut out for this after all. When they do a great job, it's because I'm the best thing since the hula hoop.

I've been on a roller coaster with this lately! My students are struggling in math. I've always had a hard time with math, but that's also why I've been working super hard in teaching it. Try as I might, though, I can't always explain things perfectly or present information in the most sensible ways. I can definitely see my own struggles reflected in their work.

Well, boy oh boy have I been throwing myself an inner LilyBashing party. And I've had all the thoughts I shouldn't have:

-Ugh, Lil, you're never gonna be good at this.
-Way to go! You've just caused 21 bright young minds to hate math the way you always did!
-Welp. May as well not put in so much effort because it's not like it's gonna work anyway.


Of course I typically talk myself out of many of the logical thoughts, like:

-It's okay. You've never taught 3rd grade before or used this curriculum.
-The kids actually are getting it; it's just taking a little longer than usual.
-The longer you do this, the better you get. Think how good you'll be in a couple years!

Or even the true thought:

-You know, you're actually not half-bad. Look at how well that one student is catching on these days... You're definitely connecting with some of these guys! 

And in the heat of the moment, who likes to be "humbled"?? Who wants to "learn" from their mistakes and "reflect" so they can "improve?" Ew. 

It's been a struggle. But God is teaching me how much to rely on Him for even the smallest things! I mean, why in the world should the Lord of the universe care where my heart is when I try to teach a bunch of 8 year olds how to order fractions?? But I believe He does.

Equipped with what I know to be true because of what I've read in His Word, I am constantly learning how to take a deep breath and tell myself, "God, you are my confidence. I'm never without you. You completely give me everything I need to do what it is you want me to do."

And it is getting better! Today it went so well... And I thank the Lord for putting me through this time. I'm learning how to just do what I can to serve, rather than being so concerned with my own feelings all the time.

I know where my confidence lies, and every day I'm being taught how to live that knowledge.

Shoot, if I had to rely on my own math abilities to get me through the days, I'd have given up on life in 4th grade.

Relying on our perfect God... now that works!





In other news, I'm still absolutely loving it. My kids crack me up... There's never a dull moment. I start solo-teaching on Friday and that continues through April 12th.

We're going to have FUN :)